Coming Out of the Closet…For Your Partner

So I’ve done a lot of coming out lately, but it hasn’t been for me. Since Kai’s decision to transition, I’ve had a lot of explaining to do to the people around me. This is definitely not something I was expecting.

Honestly, it can be a bit frustrating at times. I constantly have to think about what I say and who I’m saying it to. It is difficult to keep track of who I have told and who I haven’t. Do they know her as Kara or do they know him as Kai? What if it’s a group of people and some know and some don’t? Sometimes, I just stutter over my words or awkwardly try and avoid names and/or pronouns all together.

Also, since I see Kai as a part of myself, ‘coming out’ to people is just as nerve racking as if it were about me. I do get embarrassed sometimes and I get nervous.

In a way, I do think this is good. It helps me to realize how he feels. I can better empathize. So when he says he’s nervous about telling someone in his family, I know how he feels..because I’m nervous about explaining it to some people in my family too.

So far I’m still working everything out. But in a few weeks, I think this should get easier.

When You Find Out Your Girlfriend Will Become a Boyfriend

Okay, so this is about three months in the past for me, but I have to start somewhere. Honestly, finding out that your girlfriend is going to change genders is terrifying. While most first reaction are, “Oh my god! I’m so proud of you and I support you,” here I am…thinking well shit. Things are about to change. A lot.

I freaked out.

The girl that I loved would smell different, sound different, look different, and act different. It felt like too much to take in, and in my head, I felt like it was all happening at the same time. Not only that, but once she looked like a guy…questions of my identity would come into play. How can I be gay and date a man?

I also didn’t want to be seen as straight. When i came out, it was a struggle for people to actually accept that I was actually gay. I had to reaffirm it many times, especially to my family who constantly told people behind my back that I was making it up. I also feel very connected to the lesbian community. When I lived in Japan, being gay defined me. It was how I related to most of my friends and how I instantly felt like a part of the community there.

For the first two weeks, I had a lot of emotions and a lot of conflicting thoughts. I don’t think a lot of people realize that the partner must also transition.

I think what helped me the most was research. If anyone else is going through the same issue, here is what I learned that helped me.

1. A LOT of partners feel this way. Transition is scary. Change is scary, especially when it comes to someone you love. No one is alone in the way that they feel. There are 7 billion people in this world.

2. There are support groups on the Internet and in your community. I am currently in a support group specifically for lesbian partners of ftms. On this site, we rant, we vent, and share experiences. It’s not butterfly’s and rainbows, it is real. Find a group like this, you’ll feel better.

3. Testosterone will not radically change your girlfriends personality. Their personality before starting T will be a good indicator of their personality afterwards.

4. Change will happen slowly. For us, it’s been three months since Kai’s decision to transition. The only thing so far that has changed is his name and pronouns with a few select people. That’s it. It won’t all happen at once!

5. This will negatively affect your partner in many ways. It’s difficult for them to come out to people, even friends. Family, coworkers, etc are even more difficult. They are not doing it for a positive experience, they aren’t doing it for attention.

6. Honesty is important. Talk about how you feel, and make it a two-way conversation.

I also looked into exactly how testosterone changed the body. If I understand something, I don’t feel as threatened by it. There are lots of YouTube videos explaining everything.

Sorry for the long post! A lot to capture about those moments.
Going through a transition is difficult and scary, but the best thing to do is be informed, get rid of your fears, and walk this path next to the person you love.