Why My Lesbian Identity Freed Me From Societal Expectations

So this entry is a little off topic from my normal focus, but I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately. When I realized I was gay (and not just bi)…I was shopping in Oakland with this girl I had been kind of dating for a few weeks. She was one of those teasing straight girls that pretends they’re bi to look more ‘alternative.’ Anyway, that’s besides the point.

I was looking around at the people on the street and the clothes in the stores. I realized a that I had not looked at a single guy and I didn’t want to. I closed my eyes and pictured someone attractive and it was a girl, not a boy. After thinking and picking apart my thoughts for a good hour, I realized that I didn’t find guys attractive at all. I didn’t want to look at one and I definitely didn’t want to have sex with one. After my first time with a woman…I never wanted to do anything with a man again. I actually did hook up with an ex afterwards, and the whole time I just wishing he didn’t have a dick haha.

This realization was terrifying to me. I had only told a few close friends I was bi. I never had to come out because I lived in a small town with no real options for dating women and always dated men. This would all be new.

I had always had this vision in my head of getting married to some guy, having kids, and settling down. Now…the vision of my future had to radically change. I would be with a woman. We couldn’t get married. I would never be able to have a child that truly came from me and the person I was in love with. And where we lived, maybe we would face discrimination.

However, something amazing happened with this realization. I was free. Free of the restraints put on me by society to be beautiful in only one way. I was always a girly girl. My long wavy hair was always straightened. I never left the house without makeup. I wore skirts and dresses so I would look attractive. I did none of this for myself.

The amount of effort it took me to look “beautiful” never made me feel like I was. It was all for other people. It was for the other girls judging me, the boys analyzing me. I wanted to be up to their standards…I didn’t even know what mine were.

When I came out, people probably thought I was changing just to fit in with the lesbian crowd. But in fact, being gay freed me from the stupid stereotypes I felt forced to live by. I cut my hair. It went from taking 2 hours to do to 10 minutes. I stopped wearing revealing clothes. I didn’t care how my boobs looked. I stopped wearing heels and tight dresses. Why should I be in pain to look good for everyone else?

My biggest difficulty was with make up. It always protected me. I felt so much better wearing it. But then I read something…a dare sort of.

Don’t wear make up for one day. Act the same. Don’t say anything. See if anyone treats you differently.

They didn’t. No one said anything. My friends were still my friends, my coworkers were still nice to me, none of my clients at work looked at me differently. I was amazed. While in my head, my make up transformed me…no one else even really noticed it. So I said goodbye to make up (except for very special occasions), and now my face is beautiful to me the way it was meant to be. I still can look into the mirror and think I am attractive.

While all of these things could have happened on their own. I don’t think they would have if i hadn’t realized I was gay. This is why identifying as a lesbian is so important to me. I am so liberated. I can be myself without overwhelming societal pressure to be someone I’m not.

This is one main reason why Kai’s transition scared me so much at first. If I was seen as straight…I was worried that my little bubble would pop. I would be thrown back into the world with renewed expectations. I will not let that happen.
I think now that I see myself for how I truly want to be and am happy that way. I don’t think I will fall for the same things I have before. I trust myself not to change, but I will still definitely identify as gay. Doing so in a seemingly heterosexual couple will be difficult I think…but then again I have no idea yet. We will have to see.
I think I have grown a lot. I trust myself to stay the way I am.

Coming Out of the Closet…For Your Partner

So I’ve done a lot of coming out lately, but it hasn’t been for me. Since Kai’s decision to transition, I’ve had a lot of explaining to do to the people around me. This is definitely not something I was expecting.

Honestly, it can be a bit frustrating at times. I constantly have to think about what I say and who I’m saying it to. It is difficult to keep track of who I have told and who I haven’t. Do they know her as Kara or do they know him as Kai? What if it’s a group of people and some know and some don’t? Sometimes, I just stutter over my words or awkwardly try and avoid names and/or pronouns all together.

Also, since I see Kai as a part of myself, ‘coming out’ to people is just as nerve racking as if it were about me. I do get embarrassed sometimes and I get nervous.

In a way, I do think this is good. It helps me to realize how he feels. I can better empathize. So when he says he’s nervous about telling someone in his family, I know how he feels..because I’m nervous about explaining it to some people in my family too.

So far I’m still working everything out. But in a few weeks, I think this should get easier.

When You Find Out Your Girlfriend Will Become a Boyfriend

Okay, so this is about three months in the past for me, but I have to start somewhere. Honestly, finding out that your girlfriend is going to change genders is terrifying. While most first reaction are, “Oh my god! I’m so proud of you and I support you,” here I am…thinking well shit. Things are about to change. A lot.

I freaked out.

The girl that I loved would smell different, sound different, look different, and act different. It felt like too much to take in, and in my head, I felt like it was all happening at the same time. Not only that, but once she looked like a guy…questions of my identity would come into play. How can I be gay and date a man?

I also didn’t want to be seen as straight. When i came out, it was a struggle for people to actually accept that I was actually gay. I had to reaffirm it many times, especially to my family who constantly told people behind my back that I was making it up. I also feel very connected to the lesbian community. When I lived in Japan, being gay defined me. It was how I related to most of my friends and how I instantly felt like a part of the community there.

For the first two weeks, I had a lot of emotions and a lot of conflicting thoughts. I don’t think a lot of people realize that the partner must also transition.

I think what helped me the most was research. If anyone else is going through the same issue, here is what I learned that helped me.

1. A LOT of partners feel this way. Transition is scary. Change is scary, especially when it comes to someone you love. No one is alone in the way that they feel. There are 7 billion people in this world.

2. There are support groups on the Internet and in your community. I am currently in a support group specifically for lesbian partners of ftms. On this site, we rant, we vent, and share experiences. It’s not butterfly’s and rainbows, it is real. Find a group like this, you’ll feel better.

3. Testosterone will not radically change your girlfriends personality. Their personality before starting T will be a good indicator of their personality afterwards.

4. Change will happen slowly. For us, it’s been three months since Kai’s decision to transition. The only thing so far that has changed is his name and pronouns with a few select people. That’s it. It won’t all happen at once!

5. This will negatively affect your partner in many ways. It’s difficult for them to come out to people, even friends. Family, coworkers, etc are even more difficult. They are not doing it for a positive experience, they aren’t doing it for attention.

6. Honesty is important. Talk about how you feel, and make it a two-way conversation.

I also looked into exactly how testosterone changed the body. If I understand something, I don’t feel as threatened by it. There are lots of YouTube videos explaining everything.

Sorry for the long post! A lot to capture about those moments.
Going through a transition is difficult and scary, but the best thing to do is be informed, get rid of your fears, and walk this path next to the person you love.